wsdante

The M.E. fairy has been visiting a lot recently. Not just visiting but practically kicking the front door in and laying into me with a riot stick and a taser. Hence a recent decline in my usual bon vivacity; my all's-well-with-the-world 'happy-go-lucky-ness'.
 

I'm not someone who is prone to a great deal of profound introspection.
Actually, that's not entirely true. To be more precise: I'm not one to admit to indulging in a great deal of profound introspection. Shallow introspection, yes. But I avoid the profound stuff. Truth be told, and after some tentative and, maybe, ankle-deep pondering, I think I am slightly worried about what I might find down there in the bowels of my soul (my apologies for that image, btw).


I've done one or two pretty appalling things in my life. I've been a nasty piece of work and been driven by some questionable motives at times. On a number of occasions, I've been downright despicable and displayed an alarming lack of self-control. I'm not kidding. 
This may come as a shock to some but, even now, I can still be impulsive, lazy, self-serving, reckless, spiteful, curmudgeonly and bloody intolerant. (If I've missed anything, please feel free to add).
(Reading that back, it seems a little tongue in cheek, but I am actually trying to be brutally honest about myself).
 

Almost from birth, we learn from our environment. We take cues from the significant people around us and significant experiences in our lives and from these cues we formulate a set of personal rules. These rules govern how we think and act. With time and enough reinforcement, these rules become hardwired into that part of us that governs our behaviour.
 

ie. If I do x, then y is likely to occur; if I do z, then y won't occur, which is a more comfortable/beneficial outcome for me. Therefore, when presented with an x or z choice, I'm going to go for z in future.
I know this is a great oversimplification of a complex process but, it captures the basics, I think.
 

Now I've forgotten where I was going with this... Introspection. That was it.
 

One of my 'rules' is that focussing on yourself is wrong. It is selfish to think of your own needs when there are so many others who far worse off that you and whose needs are greater than your own petty concerns. Another is that x = expressing my upset/anger, y = getting 'A Good Hiding' and z = Erosion of self-worth, but a less violent immediate future.

Once set down, these rules are hard to change and, naturally, inform our adult dealings with the world.
 

Even writing this now, I feel an unease because the family I was raised in would accuse me of using 'pop-psychology' to indulge in self-pity and trying to blame others for my 'problems'.

Then, sometimes, the rules kick in and part of me feels they are right. I feel ashamed for focussing on my painful upbringing and the interpersonal dynamics of it when I should really be apologising for being such a 'problem' child and giving them so much grief.
 

One or two readers might remember all this stuff from a year or two ago when I finally got up the courage to challenge The Family Creed. Shortly after that, my father was diagnosed with cancer and died just over a year later. I know certain members of the family want (need?) to link my 'rebellion' to dad's illness. In a letter, my dad even managed a subtle side-swipe to that effect. He mentioned that the many stresses of the year preceding his diagnosis were bound to lower his immune responses, after all.


My rules are such that, faced with a verbal argument, I tend to clam up and seethe rather than respond. The rules tell me that fighting my corner leads to far more painful consequences than just shutting up and taking the blows. I can always compose a cutting response later, yes?
 

I've shot off on a strange and uncomfortable tangent here. I think I'll take a break and maybe carry on with this later.