I could do a long post detailing the long and revealing chat I had with Mum but the revelations were more final confirmations than anything else. These being:
Yes, it seems that the family consensus is that I fired up Dad's cancer by daring to stand up to him.
No, his apology wasn't genuine – he just didn't want to continue discussing the subject.
I had to take some time to work out how I really felt about that.
Not really. Maybe.
Anger is pointless at this stage and I've been through Bitter and out the other side - also pointless, now.
A little sad, perhaps.
Sad at the waste of otherwise 'ok' human beings if they could only take time for some honest self-reflection.
Frustration comes from failure to achieve the unachievable. So, not frustration, either.
I guess I'm just disappointed. But it's only the disappointment you get from having not achieved a goal that was unrealistic to start with – like a kid wanting to be Spiderman when he grows up.
Well, I grew up. I can deal with that.
On a side note, during a brief visit, Sibling #2 came out with some strikingly venomous, Daily-Mail-Reader diatribe about homosexuals and the abhorrent way they give each other bowel cancer - among other things. Apparently, an A&E nurse friend of his is appalled at having to treat the terrible damage they inflict on each other with their unnatural acts. And, worse still, the rules say that he/she must still 'affirm' (said with a sneer) their life-choices.
It's all because of this 'tolerance' and 'equality' nonsense infecting our society, apparently.
My lad and I were a little gobsmacked to be honest. We accept that Sib #2 makes Oliver Cromwell look like a namby-pamby liberal, but how does one even begin to address such an arrogant, judgmental and, let's face it, Prideful attitude?
I said I might have to check the extraordinary facts and figures he was quoting and we kind of agreed to disagree for now.
Pointless really. When it comes down to it, when has hard statistical evidence ever swayed such people from their 'righteous' indignation. After all, they're only following God's instructions, right?
On the up side, I got to spend time with 'me boy', which was great. We had some good and, I hope, helpful, chats about Life, The Universe, etc.
Despite the rest of it, I feel strangely fine. It's not like I didn't know the family creed anyway. In a way, it's a liberating thing.
Mum said at one point that I sounded so bitter. I replied that I had felt extremely bitter in the past, and with very good reason, but now I feel vindicated and, with that comes the freedom to let go of all the crap I'll never be able to change and just get on with my own life.