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Here goes:

Q: How many MicroSoft Marketing Dept Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many MicroSoft Software Technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Q: How many MicroSoft Hardware Technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft Executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They stil use candles.

Q: How many TV Evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
Or: None. Televangelists screw in motels.

Q: How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light buld?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and another five to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just One. But it really has to want to change.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Or: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
Or: None. Zen masters carry their own light.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many straight Brighton residents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.


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This is my hero, Charlie Brooker, in excellent form:
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Realising that, after forking out over a fiver to rent Daybreakers and Clash of The Titans, I actually threw away over three hours of my life watching them.

I'll never get that time back :(
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Personal Lingerie Shopper for Lucy Liu.


Aug. 17th, 2010 08:17 am
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Returned from crewing the first Odyssey event last night.

It was an immense amount of fun and the overwhelming feedback from the players tends to agree with me.

It was also a great test of my resolution to pace myself so that the ME imp didn't get the better of me (too much). In this, however, I must concede failure.  Today, I'm a bit body-broken and brain-fogged but this will pass. The memories of a very satisfying weekiend will remain.

Can't wait for the pictures to emerge.


Aug. 12th, 2010 06:01 pm
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Away to Atlantis this w/e.
Perhaps more details upon my return.

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The Conservative Party Manifesto.

"Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics"


Aug. 11th, 2010 08:35 am
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Cameron has announced that he will be working vigorously to reduce the £1.5b lost through disability benefits fraud.

Figures actually indicate that only 9% of this figure is fraud while the remainder is mis-management and straight forward mistakes on the part of the benefits office.

Compare this with the £15b lost through tax evasion.

Which would you target?

In Mini-Thatcher's  Camaron's defence, I suppose disabled people don't regularly contribute large sums to political parties, do they? 

"£1.5 billion is enough to pay for something like 40,000 nurses in the NHS," Mr Cameron said during a PM Direct question and answer session.

So, we'll ultimately see a massive increase in hospital staff as a result of this, will we? Yeah, right.

The idea being proposed is to set up private companies whose sole job (and source of profit) will be to rifle through the personal details benefit recipients and report 'cheats'. 
Can anyone NOT see where this idea falls down?

Shami Chakrabarti, director of pressure group Liberty, said it was right to tackle fraud but told BBC Radio 4's PM programme: "What we must not do is to create the benefit equivalent of parking attendants who are wanting to find people guilty, wanting to find people suspicious, because that's the way they get paid."

Obviously, the Conservatives are beginning to show their Thatcherite tendencies again.

(Quotes taken from


Aug. 11th, 2010 07:53 am
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In the style of Jack Dee.


Aug. 11th, 2010 07:48 am
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Meme to my friend, Scaratch.
Feel free to roll with this.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? Oh, yes.
02) What was your dream growing up? To be happy and independent.
03) What talent do you wish you had? Money management
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Cup of tea, please.
05) Favorite vegetable? Don't really have a favourite. But can't think of any I dislike, either.
06) What was the last book you read? Bernard Cornwell's 'Heretic'.
07) What zodiac sign are you? Cancer
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. Tattoo of a panther, inside of R. forearm.
09) Worst Habit? Smoking
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Certainly
11) What is your favorite sport? Jumping (to conclusions) and Running (my mouth off). Watching is usually boring but participating is beyond my ability, M.E. -wise. That said, I would enjoy watching a kendo or fencing competition occasionally.
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Cautiously optimistic tempered by a healthy dose of pessimism.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Tell increasingly rude jokes.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Had my eyes opened about 'certain people'. (This was also one of the best things in the long run).
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. On my right foot, my second toe is longer than my big toe. (Hence the number of times I've broken it).
16) Do you have any pets? One dog, Lucie. Thinking about getting another at the moment.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? I'd put the kettle on.
18) What was your first impression of me? Interestingly open and certainly artistic
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary. Oh Yes. Scary.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I'd like my hair to grow 'down' rather than 'out'. I wanted long, straight hair when I was young but ended up looking like Leo Sayer, dammit :(
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Depends on the plan.
22) What color eyes do you have? Blue/grey
23) Ever been arrested? No, but I've had someone call the police because they feared for their safety and subsequently been escorted away. I'm not really a naturally violent person, but I have a nasty line in verbal weaponry that might lead someone to think I was.
24) Bottle or can soda? Neither. Not keen on fizzy drinks.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Revamp this PC then tuck the rest away for the kids.
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? At home with my wife.
27) Do you believe in ghosts? I believe there is a phenomenon that is interpreted as such, but there is certainly a scientific explanation. (Even if that explanation is that they are the manifested spirits of dead people!).
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Sit at the local cafe with a coffee, reading and/or people-watching.
29) Do you swear a lot? Depends on the company but a bit I suppose. (Mostly in an ironic way, though).
30) Biggest pet peeve? She keeps pooing in the garden. Sorry, couldn't resist;)Actually,Greed/selfishness
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Sleepy.
32) Do you believe in / appreciate romance? Yes, but the real life kind, not that Disney/Mills & Boon rubbish.
33) Favorite and least favorite food? Yum: curry; Bum: liver and/or bananas
34) Do you believe in God? If you mean the Christian god as described in The Bible, I fervently hope he doesn't exist. To me, religion is a direct manifestation of mans fear of death.
35) Will you re-post this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? 'Suppose so.
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Very compelling.

Tempted to watch with commentary but I don't want my own take on the film contradicted.
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There is a particular place I sit at my preferred café in town. It's tucked away from general view.

I stir my cappuccino deep and fast, like beating an egg, observing how long it takes for the speckled foam continent to break from its moorings and spin like a bad CGI rendering.

The burden of notebook and pen sit before me, daring me to start writing something. Anything.

I surface read the latest charity shop book purchase as much a displacement activity as it is a discouragement to fellow café acquaintances (I'm a bit of regular) who might be seeking more than a cursory nod of recognition.

Interruptions, when they do come, are parried cordially with the book held open like a talisman and frequently glanced at, (a body language cantrip to ward off trespass while, hopefully, giving minimum offence).

Then, disconnected from the barely-noticed plot of said book, I guiltily pull the notepad towards me and brandish my pen purposefully.

Then I put the pen down and roll another cigarette.

Then I brandish my pen purposefully.

Then I put the pen behind my ear and light the cigarette.

Then I retrieve the pen and, brandishing it purposefully...

I write a load of bollocks like this.

M.E. again.

Aug. 6th, 2010 05:39 pm
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I feel the M.E. Goblin is playing the mood-changing game with me recently. The last three days have seen me burdened by vivid, disturbing dreams and a strong feeling of general anxiety.I say generalised as, try as I might, I can't pinpoint any specific cause for it.

Unfortunately, anxiety makes me short-tempered and 'testy' which is unfair on C and the sproglings. Then I get moody at myself because I'm being moody for no good reason.
I'm finding it more than usually difficult to focus on tasks and when I attempt to relax, I'm contending with 'jiggling foot' syndrome.

It's almost as if I'm anticipating or impatient for 'something' to happen and that all the mundane, everyday stuff is side-lining me from being ready when 'it' comes.

All very inconvenient, I call it.

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Make me coffee.

Film Review

Aug. 5th, 2010 09:52 pm
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Contrivance after contrivance. Don't bother. Really. It's nothing you haven't seen before.

Clash of the Titans:

Average to good CGI. Barely two-dimentional characters involved in just-above-hum-drum fight choreography.
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As a result of the Deepwater Horizon catastrophe, BP boss Tony Hayward leaves the job.
He leaves with a nice pension pot of £11,000,000.

That's a cool £1m per worker who died in the disaster.

Sleep well, Mr Hayward.
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Possibly Robert Mugabe.
Failing that, maybe Lucy Liu.

For completely different reasons, of course.


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